See this never ending blanket of clouds? Yes, that is what
I've been living under for nine months now. That is where I've been.
Somewhat emotionally. Definitely physically. Out of the top
ten stressors for people, my life has had four in the past nine months--I've
moved. (Ahem, twice. One continent. And then across the country.) I got married. (I know, I didn't expect that to be a "top ten
stessor" either. According to my friend Ally, "It's the
hardest, best relationship you'll ever have.) I got a new job.
(Yayy! Now hang on tight.) I deal with deployments.
(Hang on tighter.)
Life is ALL
different now. I struggle to be honest. I struggle to
reintegrate back into America--a land that I've lived in for 26 years.
But with having a year in Burundi (cumulatively), it's an experience that
won't let me go back to the way I was before. In some ways, this is a
very good thing. I some ways, I'm still working out what to take with me
and what to spit back out. (aka "Eat the fish, and spit out the
bones.) Thanks to deployments, I've only spent about four months with my
husband, even though we've been married for eight. How the heck do I be
married? I'm REALLY good at being single and "holding my own."
When he comes back, how do I let him back in? It's a conscious
effort, really. I make sure not to put too much on my plate as I want to do life
together, rather than just including him in mine. How do I learn to teach a
new grade...again? (Yes, this is my third different grade in four years.)
Will I be able to give my best to these kids and still have some leftover
the the next year? God willing.
This post will not
end with me telling you that everything is wonderful and beautiful and that God
is so good. God IS so good, but that does not always mean that life is a
blooming field of sunflowers (yeah, I'd prefer those over roses.) But it
will end with these lyrics, because these lyrics have been my heart song the
past eight months. And I'm hoping that if I keep singing them, that God will
give me breakthrough. And somehow this mountain that I'm climbing will
finally peak, and I'll be able to look all around me at everything He's
bringing me through and brought me through.
And He's
brought me to the wilderness where I will learn to sing.
And He lets me
know my bareness so I will learn to lean.
Here is the whole song:
Beautiful Mercy by Laura Hackett
